In My Own Prison

Tonight is one of those nights where I need to blog to get my emotions out. I don’t know how to explain how I feel on nights like this. There is really nothing that triggers my emotions. I just feel anxious and unsettled. I am exhausted but I can’t go to bed because that’s when its worse.

I am so tired of being alone. I am ready for my husband to be home. I am ready for this nightmare to be over with.

I would love to know how others in this situation deal with issues like this. At times I feel like I need to go to the Dr and get some medication but I don’t want to be dependent on something. That is one reason behind this blog, to help me deal with stress and express how I am feeling.

I titled this blog “Imprisoned on the Outside” because that’s what it’s like when you have a loved one in prison. They may be in a prison made of cement walls and barbed wire fences but we are in our own prison. A prison of emotions.

I have tried different methods of dealing with stress. I read, I pray, I exercise, I eat (not a good idea), I try to talk to friends but no one understands how I am feeling. Hopefully this blog helps me deal with this stress.

I would love to hear from others on how you deal with stress.

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Mrs. Fix-It

I have always been an independent woman. One of the first things I bought for my first apartment was a set of screwdrivers. However, over the past two years I have had to learn to be even more independent and have become quite the handy-woman. What other option do you have when your husband is in prison? You have to figure things out for yourself.

Earlier this week as Hurricane Sandy moved up the East Coast, here in Kentucky we felt the effects of the storm through some really strong winds and cold temperatures. Monday night I was sitting in the living room, watching something on Netflix and writing to my husband when I kept hearing this bang, bang, bang. I knew right away what it was. The wind had blown my trashcan lid up and it was slamming against the side of the can. I used to have a bungee cord that I used to hold down the lid but somehow it disappeared. So here I was at midnight, shining a flashlight around my driveway looking for the bunged cord but it was no where to he seen. I came inside and looked through our tools and could not find another one.

As I was walking out of the closet where the tools are, I tripped over a metal clothes hanger and suddenly the lightbulb went on! I could use the clothes hanger to tie down my trash can lid! I’m a genius I know!

I really wish I had a picture of my rigged up wire to hold down the lid. Tomorrow is trash day so before I set the trash out I will have to take a picture and post it. I will have to remember to remove it or the trash collectors will hate me!

I see so many women who complain about their husbands because they “don’t do anything right”. I would love for my husband to be home with me so that he can handle some of the duties around here. If this separation has taught us anything it is how much we love and appreciate each other.  I hope I never turn into the wife who complains about my husband. I want to be the wife who supports him and encourages him, not knocks him down. If your husband is home with you tonight be thankful for him. There are many of us who would give anything to have our men here with us.

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

That’s an old country song isn’t it? Ok so I had to google that just to make sure but it is an old Barbara Mandrell song. That’s what I have been doing for the past 2 years. Just me and the dog (a shih tzu) in a queen size bed. I have to admit that I put a pillow behind my back so that it feels like someone is in bed snuggled up behind me.

Tonight however I am sleeping on the couch. I have a mouse in my bedroom. The past three nights it has woken me up running along the baseboard right behind my bed. The thought of a mouse in my house really bothers me. I hate the things. Traps don’t seem to work for this little booger.  The thought of him running up in the bed with me while I’m asleep…..ugh….I can’t even think about it. This little pest has disturbed my sleep all weekend so tonight I had a different plan….sleep on the couch.

My couch is actually very comfy to sleep on. Tonight I was reading and watching some shows om Netflix and by 9:00 I could not stay awake any longer. I love to go to bed early but in a way I hate it. It never fails, if I go to bed early I am awake at midnight. Guess what happened tonight…..yep, like clockwork almost right at midnight I woke up. Maybe I’m like Cinderella and when the clock strikes 12 my life changes.

Hmmm….don’t I wish it were that easy. I wish the clock would strike midnight and things would change. Although in Cinderella’s case her life didn’t necessarily get any better at midnight….it went back to “normal”.

What is normal though? I have been on my own for so long that this life has become my new normal. How do others adjust to this life of being the wife of a prisoner?  For me it has been things like sleeping with a pillow tucked behind my back or eating a lot more take out. 

Even though this has become my new normal I will be glad when my Prince Charming returns home. I know it will be an adjustment to live together again but it will be so worth it in the end.

For now I guess I will try to go back to sleep. I need to get a decent nights sleep so I guess I will stay here on the couch so Mr. Mouse does not wake me up again in a couple of hours.

Welcome

I began my life as the wife of a prisoner on September 27th, 2010. My husband was given a 10 year sentence. Several times during the last 25 months I have searched online for forums, blogs, groups or anything where I could find support from other prison wives. I have found a couple websites. One was Prison Talk and I have used that forum to find the answers to many questions I have had during this time, and while it is a great resource it just wasn’t what I kept searching for.

I want to read the stories of other wives. What struggles do they face? How do they deal with all of the extra responsibility? How do they handle nosy  friends and family members?

I have not been able to find anything like that so I thought I would start my own blog. Maybe this blog will help someone else. Even if no one else ever reads it though, at least it will be a way for me to release some of my stress and “talk” about some of the things that I need to get off of my chest that my friends and family may not understand.